D4: Mary Sue Joins The Ducks

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Just what the title says. A fic that attempts to mock every version of “D4” on bloody ff.net.

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Notes: I read possibly the worst fic in the world (in another fandom) and it inspired this. I’m basically writing the same kind thing, but the difference is I’m aware of how trite this is, the other writer wasn’t. I know on occasion my OC’s can get irritating and that I have far too many of them but I hope they’re not on this level.

I’ve realised that I’ve insulted a lot of people in this fic, Disney (and their characters), teenagers, nice people etc. Sorry, but I’m in a dreadfully sarcastic mood. I’ve also stereotyped everyone.

Published: 5 June 2002 • Updated: 13 Jul 2002

One: Meet Mary Sue

“Ducks! We’re getting a new player!” Orion announced after practice. “Despite the fact that we have a full roster[1]. Don’t worry, nobody’s getting kicked off, the NHL are going to change the rules.”

“Oh yeah?” They chorused (Ducks not only fly together, but speak together too). “Who?”

“Her name is Mary Sue and she’s perfect.” Orion said. “She should be playing professionally, but she’s too young… obviously the NHL can’t change that rule.”

“When will she arrive?” Connie asked.

“I’m picking her up from the bus station tomorrow evening.” Orion responded.

“I think,” said Charlie (without the slightest hint of pig-headedness that he was famous for in D3), “that we should give her a nice Ducks welcome. Can we come too?”

Because Coach Orion is a Disney character (and now that he’s over his spat with Charlie) he’s far too nice for his own good, so he hires a minibus to take all the Ducks to the bus station—even though it’s only ten minutes away and if the team had any patience they could wait a little longer to meet her.

The next day all the Ducks piled into Orion’s hired minibus (without a word of thanks, because despite their Disney origins, they’re still teenagers) and started doing whatever it is that Ducks do on a bus—talk strategies? sing “We Are The Champions”? beat up Averman? I’m not sure, it was never shown in the movies for long.

Luckily the bus ride is too short for them to get too rambunctious and they all file out, looking around excitedly for this new player.

Enter Mary Sue. I would describe her, but all you readers have your own image of perfection so picture that. Mary Sue is truly perfection personified, beautiful shiny hair, big eyes, pouty lips and perfectly even white teeth. She’s stronger than Fulton and Portman put together, she’s funnier than Averman, she’s more popular with the opposite sex than Luis, she makes Adam look like a bad player, she’d be a better goalie than Julie and Goldberg combined, but she’s a scorer—suffice to say she will score more goals than anyone ever has before. Yes, Mary Sue is going to turn heads at Eden Hall.

Where was I before I got distracted listing Mary Sue’s attributes?

Oh yes, the team’s reaction to her. Right, picture eleven guys drooling and two girls wishing they were Mary Sue. Guy is busy wondering how to break up with Connie, Connie is wondering if Julie will mind that Mary Sue is her new best friend (cheerfully unaware that Julie is thinking the same thing), Luis is wondering which of his cheesy lines will work best on her, Charlie is deciding that he does love something more than hockey and his coaches… and so on. They all love her.

Mary Sue introduces herself, naturally she’s blessed with outstanding confidence—and not only that, on the bus ride to Minnesota there was an article in her magazine on Team USA, so she already knows everyone.

Mary Sue is not only perfection personified, but she’s lucky too.

The team swarm around her, desperately asking questions about this wonderful person who they’ve been lucky enough to meet. She answers them politely, throwing in the odd joke that makes them laugh uproariously (have I mentioned she’s funny too?) and everyone adores her.

They fight over who gets to sit next to her on the bus on the way home, Mary Sue decides to sit with Luis and Charlie (my two favourites—if you don’t like them, pretend she sat with your favourites) and they both vie for her attention. She doesn’t play favourites, because Mary Sue is perfection personified, and nice people don’t play favourites. No doubt she will fall in love with one of the team at some point—but she probably has a deep dark secret to overcome. It may be a fear of hockey, or boys, or something, I’m not sure, I haven’t planned that far ahead.

One thing is for sure, we’re all rooting for Mary Sue!

Notes: Right, sorry about my OD on sarcasm through that. I may update this, I may not. If anyone wants a shot at the next chapter, email me it would be fun to pass this around and make it a round robin.

[1] I don’t know a darned thing about hockey, my logic stems from D2. Russ joined the team when Adam was out with a hurt wrist, then Adam came back and good ole Charlie stepped down so he could have his spot. I’m sorry if this is wrong, but I ain’t changing it because this is a parody.

Two: First Day

Notes 1: I’ve worked out what Mary Sue’s deep dark secret is, whether I’ll get round to writing it is another matter—but this seems to be helping me take a guilt-free break from Sun.

Notes 2: There are some great fics with Original characters, Wounded Duck, Second Time Around, Something Quite Special to name a few—I want to be clear, I’m parodying Mary Sues, not every fic with OC’s. There’s a difference between a Mary Sue and an Original Character, it’s the writer in charge.

Notes 3: Aly was going to write the next chapter of this, but has vanished, and I never received the entire chapter, so I’ve written it myself. Sorry Aly.

All of the boys offer to carry Mary Sue’s bag to the dorms, but she declines, like I said, she’s stronger than Fulton and Portman put together.

Because I haven’t planned this fic, I don’t know where Mary Sue is going to sleep. Luckily, Julie and Connie remedy this by offering to let her stay with them. There are only two beds, and they fight like cat and dog (perhaps that is a bad metaphor, while Julie is a cat, Connie is most certainly not a dog) over who gets to give up their bed for Mary Sue.

Mary Sue politely refuses them both and says she prefers the floor—the hard wood keeps her back straight (think Arnie in Twins). And this is true, Mary Sue is not being a martyr, she can’t help being perfect. Connie and Julie are so inspired by Mary Sue that they ask the Dorm Supervisor to remove their beds too. By the end of the week, none of the Ducks sleep anywhere else but the floor and the poor Dorm Supervisors are up to their eyeballs in beds. Mary Sue suggests that the beds be given to a local orphanage. This idea goes down a treat, and yet more people love her, the Supervisors, the orphans and the people that run the orphanage.

The next morning Mary Sue wakes up at four am to start her extensive work-out. She jogs to California and back (during this her hair and make-up remain immaculate, she doesn’t even break a sweat—oh sorry, Mary Sue has asked that I rephrase that—she doesn’t perspire at all), and isn’t even late for breakfast.

She sits with the Ducks who hang on to every word she says. The talk turns to hockey and Team USA, despite the fact that you readers are dying to know more about Mary Sue. Don’t worry, we’ll find out more about her in a minute.

As it turns out, Mary Sue should have played in Team USA too, but she was busy, most notably writing a best selling novel and winning the Nobel Peace Prize (although if she does have a deep dark secret, it’s probably set in this pre-Duck grey area).

At this point, Varsity wander over—presumably to beat up Adam, who can’t seem to get through a fic without being hurt—but see Mary Sue and decide to be good. They too fall in love with her. If I had any imagination, I’d let Mary Sue and the Ducks play some pranks on them, but I don’t.

Mary Sue sails through the day, because of her genius IQ she shouldn’t actually be at school but has to be there because a) she’s on the team, and b) she’s got to fall in love with someone.

Then comes practice, this is where Mary Sue really shines. She’s so good that Orion decides that the other thirteen people on the team should play against her. She wins 48-0. Orion nearly dies of happiness. The Ducks are deeply impressed and not even slightly resentful.

Mary Sue gets changed quickly after practice, putting on a T-shirt with the world ‘Angel’ on the front and ‘You Wish’ on the back (standard issue for all Mary Sues), turning down several offers to be walked back to her dorm and leaves the locker room.

She wanders off towards a nice secluded area so she can have a few minutes peace from the Ducks. On her way there, she passes Adam, sobbing in the arms of a random original character, presumably because he’s either hurt himself, or feels that nobody understands.

If Adam was my favourite character, Mary Sue would stop and comfort him and make all the bad stuff go away, but since I don’t like the whinging nonce, she doesn’t even slow down or offer a supportive smile.

And why is Mary Sue running away? Isn’t it obvious? Well, just wait and see.

Mary Sue finds herself in the woods at the edge of the school (every school has woods on the ground, don’t fight me on this), and sits down on a handily placed toadstool (put there by fairies for her Mary Sue’s own use), she puts her face in her hands and cries, the weight of her terrible secret bearing down on her like a… um, really heavy thing.

“Mary Sue? Why are you crying?”

Mary Sue frantically wipes her eyes (heartily glad that she’s lucky enough to have waterproof mascara that actually is waterproof) and looks up to see Luis. “I’m fine.” She says perkily, giving him a smile that shows off her sparkling white teeth. “Honestly, I just wanted to be by myself.”

“Really?” He asks, full of concern for this beautiful creature that has joined his team and put his heart in a spin (yes, it made me hurl to write such a sickly-sweet sentence).

“Really I—” Mary Sue is cut off by a rustling in the bushes. Oh no, it’s Riley and the rest of the Varsity Team! What now?

[Cut to: Commercial Break—D4: Mary Sue Joins The Ducks is sponsored by Sarcasm Ltd]

[Napalm Cigarettes—Why wait for cancer?]

[Acid Soda Pop—Rots your teeth while you watch]

[“I’m a teeny-bopper and it’s ok” the new single by BaybeeGurl, out now!]

[End Commercial Break]

We rejoin Mary Sue and Luis in the midst of the famous JV vs Varsity scowl contest. Varsity are winning because they’re less attractive.

“You’d better go now.” Mary Sue threatens menacingly.

“Oooh, we’re scared of you little girl!” Somebody replied.

Mary Sue flips out and becomes Buffy the Varsity Slayer. She’s practiced martial arts since she was a baby and kicks their asses into another time zone. Go Mary Sue! Go!

She grins at Luis, says something incredibly witty and they walk back to the school, where Luis recounts the tale, to the amusement of everyone in the school.

Oh yes, Mary Sue is a big hit.